.:On Eyeballs And Phone Calls:.

I can’t wait for madame sky’s birthday. I really would want to be there for her celebration next Saturday, and so I probably won’t show up at the Rusher’s Mailing List grand eyeball. What’s there for me to see, anyway? I’d rather be with familiar ground, where I’m exceedingly comfortable and happy to be. I don’t think I’d go for the other EB, unless I show up at sky’s early, then leave for a few hours to just drop in on the mailing list people. In any case, I will not miss sky’s birthday celebration.

Had a slightly unproductive talk with Cami last night. She was busy having fun with a penguin-bashing game of some sorts, and then she was looking to go off to some sort of a retreat, as far as I know. Good for her, really. Ah, well. I don’t know what else to say about it. Needless to say, my brain is on a fritz whenever I try to say something poignant lately. I guess it can’t be helped, so I'd write her a delayed Palanca letter for when she comes back instead... I can't do it right now.

.:That Ruddy Blue Rose:.

I am almost dead certain that I will give the blue rose to one of two people come March 24. Maybe it’s no big deal to them, but it is to me. One of them already knows what goes behind it. The other just thinks I’m joking. In any case, I guess I’d rather give it to someone who’d be surprised, so it might actually be a good moment to consider. However, I don’t intend to give it to someone who might take offense (Daph.), or to someone who’s pretty much a closed door to me, anyway (Shar, Jack…). Some people I could’ve easily given it to aren’t seniors (Rachel Reyes, Sacha…), while the rest of the people are just… for lack of a better term… not going to yield anything interesting.

With that being said, I guess there’re really only two people left whom I can give the Blue Rose to. I don’t think I’d be getting any Blue Roses from anyone (And if I do, I hope to Gawd it’s not a guy.), but I’d really want to give mine to someone who’d matter. Someone who could very well be a special someone to somebody else (As I’m taken.), yet just isn’t quite yet (This rules out Abby.). It’s less of a pat on my shoulder for being this or that kind of a person, and more of a vote of confidence in the person to remind her that she’s a very lovable and wonderful human being. Sure, I could say that of anyone. But I’m going beyond just labels here. I’m really looking into this with a very idealistic notion, and as such, I guess that Blue Rose will really go to someone who deserves it. And more Blue Roses from more people, for that matter.

I don’t know. I’m thinking way too ahead about this, but I just really relish the idea of the Blue Rose. I really do.

.:I Got It Bad:.

Not that I’d act on it, but I have a tremendous crush on someone right now… really cute, really nice, and though she’s not CP number one, I have to say… she’s so fine. I just wish she noticed. Then again, maybe I don’t.

.:A Conscious Choice:.

Just my mind over-analyzing the irrational. I think the bottomline is: the more I try to make sense of love, the less I truly udnerstand it. With that being said, after all these ruminations, expect me to just go and continue enjoying what I have, as though I never bothered asking questions. ::blushes::

Nobody ever said loving someone was easy. Nobody ever said that choosing to not love someone is an easy choice to make, either.

When a person knocks at your heart’s door, and you already let someone in, it’s just as difficult to turn that person away as it is to keep the person inside there warm and safe. When it’s your turn to come a-knocking on that person’s heart, and then you realize you’re not supposed to be doing so, it becomes quite difficult as well to turn around without so much as trying to throw pebbles at the door, to at least see if that door would open just slightly for you. Testing the waters, so to speak.

Far be it for me to seem like a sappy romantic, and so I believe that love is not as effortless as it seems. Maybe through habitus, it can turn out to be effortless. However, it won’t be that way on the way to it. Loving someone, I believe, is a conscious choice. You reinforce that choice again and again with each thing you do for one another. It’s not the ideal, and I know it’s not. But it’s the reality we move in, and as such, I have to deal with the reality I perceive. I’ve been making this conscious choice for four years straight, and the end just isn’t quite in sight yet. Maybe it never will for as long as I live, or maybe it will. In either case, I take this choice one with me one day at a time, never looking too far ahead or behind.

It’s hard to make that conscious choice every single day when you sometimes feel that the person you pledged yourself to isn’t happy or isn’t growing in that promise. Maybe you sometimes think of reneging on the pledge, or maybe you think you’d want to recalibrate yourself to encourage the growth in the relationship. Either way, you can’t let something like that just stagnate. It won’t help. Not at all.

At the same time, it’s hard to make that conscious choice that comes along from time to time whenever you feel an inexplicable connection with someone else. Not only do you feel guilt because you’re already with someone else, you also feel that the only reason they are this comfortable with you is because they know they’re safe from you. You have no reason to attempt to jump ladders with them, and really now, they’re probably correct. After all, if you’re not the incontinent type, you can resist the urge to jump ladders because you know what the right thing to do is. You know where you’re flourishing. If you’re not just continent but already virtuous, the urge isn’t even making a dent on your resolve. Of course, this is a kind of habituation most of us can only dream of.

In any case, it’s good to love and to be loved. Maybe some people think of this in romantic terms, but I see it quite differently. Love is such a broad term. I know I can tell someone I love him/her without Grace being jealous, simply because it’s not romantic love we’re talking about at that point. And so I realize that loving different people is quite, quite different from being in love with someone. Maybe you’d fall out of love with the person in question, but the fact that you choose to persist in a commitment that, if we were to assume, allows the both of you to grow, then why renege on the commitment?

So maybe a part of you is asking “what if’s” with certain people who just seem to matter so much to you. Maybe a former unrequited love, maybe a newfound friend, maybe a veritable genius, maybe a “better late than never” close friend, or perhaps even an old friend who was inexplicably figuring in one’s life without either knowing it. Questions are good. Questioning within one’s faith, within one’s commitment helps one strengthen it further, or forge a more significant commitment. However, don’t forget that while the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, “what if” questions can and will still exist wherever you end up. This is a nightmare for a person who was never satisfied with the status quo.

I can’t speak with finality on anything, but one thing I can be quite certain of: no matter where my commitment takes me, I know I’m still flourishing within it. I just hope that I really am doing my part in making my significant other flourish as well.