Monday, July 12, 2004

Friday Retro-Post...

Expect a lot of posts from me today. This is the first in that barrage...

.:Aha! You Rascal, You!:.

Abby is one of the few people who arguably knows me better than Grace does, and it sometimes shows, truth be told. Nonetheless, the conversation we had was pretty interesting. She seemed to have this “the plot thickens” idea when it came to the stuff I had to say about Sacha, although she recognized a lot of key differences between her and Sach that makes her experience with me a bit less of a perfect fit with Sacha's experience of me. In spite of such a difference, she still was spot on when it came to some of her other key observations, though.

She was telling me stuff like about my being too “giddy” about this and that, although I was rather thankful that she didn't jump down my throat over it. She more or less walked through how I really deal with things. And I suppose that was what placated her in the end. She was pretty much right about the fact that while I may not be romantically inclined towards Sacha, I was still hoping for something, and it was pretty clear what I was hoping for, anyways...


Marcelle: I feel quite sorry for (Name edited) because I can sense a similarity of pattern between me and him when it comes to him and Sacha. It's pretty close to how it is between you and me.

Abby: Oh? I feel sorry for Sacha, then.

Marcelle: Did you just diss me, Abby?

Abby: Why, yes.

.:More People Hinting That I Should Be A Priest:.

My new teacher for Ancient Philosophy, Mr, Mike Mariano, was making this brief announcement about the Jesuit Vocation Seminar or something to that effect. He then looked in my direction and says that if in case I feel a change of pace in my life coming on, then this just might be the perfect opportunity for me I'm inclined to assume he meant it as a joke, but then, that's the third person in as many months to tell me that I have what it takes to become a priest... odd.

.:What? Fire Dancing Again?!?:.

I promise that I will get down to it and practice fire dancing in the near future, as soon as I feel a bit more comfortable that I won't knock myself infertile with my extremely dangerous blows to myself while I'm at it.

Thing is, while I was hanging around Hobby Haven with Peppy, Sach invited the two of us at her house for more fire dancing practice, albeit she would be quite a bit late because she was to come from a party of sorts. Nonetheless, lots of funny stuff ensued over the whole night...

Kathy: I'd like you to meet the new lovebirds, Burns, and George.

Marcelle: Oh. I thought she meant us, Peppy.

For the most part, we were really enjoying our time there. They were doing fairly well with the pois and all, while I was showing that I could do a trick or two with a regular umbrella. I suppose my CAT training way back in high school still hasn't left me, really. My tricks weren't so bad, either, considering how handicapped I was, what with the umbrella not having a handle... Peppy can do the weave quite consistently enough now, though. Not bad for him, but I still can't get that over-under-out sequence, much less do it with both hands at the same time.

Kathy had a line that just sounded so wrong when she said it to Peppy... interpret it as you wish. :)

Kathy: Watch it, Peppy. You're not straight (with the pois) again...

At one point as well, Kathy was doing some nifty dancing while spinning one poi around. She had this huge smile slapped on her face that was pretty disturbing, truth be told...

As it was late already, I decided to stay over for the night at Sacha's house. Yes, I slept with her again... literally.


I don't want to compete with him. I just want to be there for you. Enough said.

That, in a nutshell, is how I managed to resolve any emotional baggage I may have had left over with Sacha. I realize that it may see like a cop-out, or perhaps an act of self-delusion, but the thing is, do I really need to compete with someone else for her affection, my being not single notwithstanding? As I said before, I see no reason to stand in the middle of the carnage, when I could instead be doing something right. As the idea of Wu-Wei (Or non-doing) goes, in doing nothing, I achieve something. In avoiding comparison, I become incomparable. In eschewing from competing, I become unparalleled. Not because I want to be some kind of uber icon of some sorts in some field, but simply because there is so much more I can do in working with people who may or may not be better than I am than competing with them.

My only disclaimer in speaking about this burst of clarity that came to me is that I am not the type who wants to speak with finality. Perhaps my sentiments would change in the future. Perhaps they won't. Bottomline is that as far as I'm concerned, the present is far more important than that particular future. I am more concerned with doing things correctly right now than I am with setting things up for myself for the future. Naturally, contrast will come into play here. I mentioned to Abby that whereas I searched for closure with her, I searched for an opening with Sacha. But an opening for what? Certainly not as someone who'd take a number and get in line when she's PhD already. It'd be idiotic on my part to do that, considering that I would inadvertently compete with others at that point.

More importantly (And I personally believe that I would be far more worthwhile of being a friend in this case than if it were otherwise.), I ought to search for an opening to simply be there for her. It doesn't matter if she needs me or she doesn't. I think it's folly to require myself to be a necessity in someone's life, because I'd rather let that person be himself or herself rather than need my presence to justify their existence. As far as being a friend goes, I think I've slowly made the transition in seeing Sacha's point: I don't want to be unwanted, but I don't want to be absolutely indispensable, either. Otherwise, I become guilty of condoning someone's statisticity in being an all-important source of happiness for them, and I would be pressured to be the one to alleviate their cares every single time. Pressure for me ruins the purity of friendship.

I want to master the ability to be low-maintenance as a friend and not be despised for giving low maintenance to my friends likewise. I feel that a healthy heterogeneity must remain in order for two friends to truly be (ironically...) “one soul in two bodies”. I guess this is where blogging has come into play, as my annoyingly angst-filled life suddenly had a fresh burst of positivity that even one of my harshest critics when it came to my erstwhile negativity, Sacha, has recognized the very apparent change. I don't have to mope for two months about this or that so-called tragic event in my life. I write it down, I marvel at the clarity I gain from a detached perspective, then re-immerse myself into it. Gabriel Marcel's “primary and secondary reflection” at work.

I think the wake-up call that hit me when it came to Sacha's imminent departure was when I wrote about it in a forum I frequent, someone replied scathingly that I seem to “sound so bitter about her leaving”. I had to stop there and ask myself: was I being bitter because I wasn't going to see myself turning Japanese anytime soon? Was I being bitter because I seem to have held myself back again, in contrast to how my high school now regards me as some kind of a god because they all thought I “always had it in me”, whereas college came along, and I was just another achiever among many?

I guiltily answered “yes” to these questions for the most part, and realized that more than it being an issue of potential romance or something similar, it was pretty clear that this was a bruised ego speaking. This is where Wu Wei and the law of reversion came into play: yes, she's my yardstick, but do I need to compete with her? Is there something so wrong about instead building something worthwhile with her? With that being said, I started to see no reason to continue with this agonizing self-pity when this person, whom I hold in high esteem over her sheer brilliance, regards me as an intellectual equal and not as the “intellectual lightweight” I initially saw myself to be. This used to be how I was. While how I used to be is inextricable from how I am now, there are some things that I simply cannot allow myself to slide back into. Oh, sure, the competitive spirit is still there, and it tends to surface from time to time, but if I put my efforts more into cooperation than competition, then at the very least, things can be better for me.

To cut a long story short; yes, Sacha, I am glad to be your friend, I am happy that you will go and yet the friendship will remain, I am glad that our small conversation this morning has given me this sense of clarity, I recognize that you're a lovable person, but no, I am anything but intimidated of you or your Dance Maniax Skillz.

.:The Morning After:.

Last Saturday, I had to cancel the RAW Deal tournament because our venue was out of whack. We had no particular idea what happened to club XP. Apparently, it was just moved to the second floor... ah, well.

In any case, Sach wanted to watch Kill Bill vol. 2, which was perfect timing as I wanted to watch it myself. It was initially going to be at G4, so we headed there, and then talk went to Dance Maniax and how it's actually better to play the game in MegaMall, as it's actually a lot cheaper, and one can do more songs than otherwise. We then boarded an MRT and headed to MegaMall, where we had our fill of Dance Maniax. Sach was teasing me about not finishing “Locomotion” on Wild in Double Mode, but then again, I was doing pretty well with “All My Love” and my Center Mode run. I had a lot of fun, really.

Sacha was experimental and tried a lot of different songs during her third run, which came right after a bunch of experts who decided to really show off. One was doing “All My Love” in Center Mode by turning for a lot of the time, as well as using his head to break the lower sensors, ergo, sliding under the machine. He also jumped on the machine (!) to hit the last beat of the song, and sat there for a while. I have no idea what demon these guys sold their souls to, but they were amazing. Sach and I couldn't hold a crowd anymore after that, although I heard she managed to do just that later on when I wasn't around. I guess they were too busy looking at Sach to care whether or not she was dancing particularly well... she does this funky clapping thing for the Double Mode version of Happy Hopper...

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